Childhood memories
by Scarlett Diva
Summary: Chandler starts to remember his childhood and turns to cutting. Very depressing. Please R/R. Warning: May contain disturbing scenes.
1. Memories

Disclaimer:This is a work of fiction. The characters in this story are borrowed from the TV show "Friends". I own no characters. No money is being made from this story. Any resemblance of a character in this story to any real person living or dead is purely coincidental. Likewise, any resemblance between an organisation depicted in this story and any such actual organisation is purely coincidental.  
  
Authors note: I know stories like this have been done before and it is similar to many of my other stories but I hope you enjoy it. Please R/R. It is set in about Season 2, however I am not sure whether Rachel and Ross are together or not. I will see how it progresses later on.  
  
CHANDLERS POV  
  
Here I am again. In the same old kitchen, in the same old apartment, thinking the same old things. It's just like college. But this time no one can save me. Not even Joey.  
  
Joey. Hmm. My best friend. He always made me laugh. Not even he can do that now. No one can. No one realises what it is like. My mother would rather be off fucking the pool guy then see me, my father is a cross dresser. I have no brothers or sisters like the others. I mean, Monica has Ross, Joey has well, a 7 of them, Rachel has Jill and even Phoebe has Ursula if she gets desperate. I'm desperate.  
  
All my memories are coming back. After so long of blocking them out. So long. Their all coming back. One's I know happened but don't want to remember. I see my father come into the room. I see him lock the door behind him, and ask me if i am going to be a good boy tonight. I say yes, as usual. He takes off his shirt and unbuckles his belt. I close my eyes and wait for the inevitable to happen. For him to come over and fuck me. That's right. My father, fucking his only son.  
  
Tears start to stream down my face as I remember the pain of that night. That wasn't the only night. There were countless others. Nights that I couldn't tell anyone about. No one would understand. No one. Joey always wondered why I hated being touched, and why I have trouble getting close with people and trusting them. He'll know soon. They'll all know soon.  
  
I watch my hand as it picks up the carving knife on the bench. I don't know what I am doing. I know but at the same time I don't know. I watch myself slash it across my wrist. I watch the blood come out. Suddenly I feel better, for a short while. The pain dulls my thoughts and feelings. I slash it across a few other times. I feel so alive while I am doing this. I slowly put pressure on my cuts and start to clean up the mess I have made. Joey will be home soon.  
  
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? ANOTHER CHAPTER? 


	2. Turn on the fans

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters in this story are borrowed from the TV show "Friends". I own no characters. No money is being made from this story. Any resemblance of a character in this story to any real person living or dead is purely coincidental. Likewise, any resemblance between an organisation depicted in this story and any such actual organisation is purely coincidental.  
  
Thankyou for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me. Tell me what you think as usual. And if you want another chapter.  
  
Childhood Memories. Chapter 2.  
  
Set in Central Perk.  
  
"Hey Joey, you get that gig?" Ross asked as Joey walked in the door, looking depressed, like he usually does after he misses out on an audition. The rest of the gang was already there. Rachel on her '5 minute' break to have coffee with her friends.  
  
"No. They picked some dude named George Clooney over me. I mean what does he have? Uhh, show will probably flop anyway. I mean what kinda show is called 'ER'?"  
  
"No idea Joe. Good luck next time." They all said, trying to be supportive.  
  
"Ugh, It is so hot in here." Chandler said, rolling up his sleeves. "Can't they turn on the air conditioning? Hey Gunther, turn on the fans." He said turning his head towards Gunther. He watched the small blonde man rush off and turn them on.  
  
"Hey, uhh, Chandler, what happened to your arm?" Ross said, looking at the dark purple scars up his arm. The whole group turned to look.  
  
"Umm, uhh, rope burns. I was uhh...hanging something yesterday and tied it around my arm a bit too tight." Chandler said, afraid his friends would discover how they really came about. What would they think? They would try to make him talk. Talking would make it worse. He had to forget.  
  
"Chandler, they don't look like rope burns. They look like knife marks." Monica said, worried. She had only heard small bits of what happened in college from Joey, but she didn't want it to happen again. She always wanted to know the full story of back then, but she knew that Joey wouldn't tell her.  
  
"Well their not. Their rope burns, but I agree they do look a bit like knife marks." Chandler said, hoping they'd believe him. How could he be so stupid as to pull up his sleeves? Ugh, he was disgusted with himself.  
  
"OK." Joey said, remembering college. *Please God don't let that happen again. Please*, Joey thought. He knew he would have to start keeping an eye on him again. He couldn't bare to see his best friend go through that a second time. He knew their was something that Chandler had never told him. He had to find out what it was.  
  
The gang was satisfied with his answer and went back to their inane conversation.  
  
WHAT DO YOU THINK? 


	3. I shouldn't tell

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters in this story are borrowed from the TV show "Friends". I own no characters. No money is being made from this story. Any resemblance of a character in this story to any real person living or dead is purely coincidental. Likewise, any resemblance between an organisation depicted in this story and any such actual organisation is purely coincidental.  
  
Thankyou for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me. Tell me what you think as usual. And if you want another chapter. OH, AND I MIGHT MAKE THE NEXT CHAPTER R RATED SO YOU MAY HAVE TO LOOK IN THE R RATINGS FOR THIS STORY SOON.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"Hey Monica." Joey said as he walked into the girls apartment. "What you doin?"  
  
"Thinking. Joey, would you please tell me what happened to Chandler during college. Please? I am really worried about him. After seeing those marks...Joey, are they really rope burns?" Monica said looking at Joey, tears in her eyes. She didn't think that Joey would really tell her. Monica had liked Chandler for years, but knew that he never returned her feelings. She couldn't bare to have something happen to the man she loved and not help him.  
  
"Monica...you know I can't tell you. You're really worried about him aren't you?" Joey said, coming and sitting next to her.  
  
"You know I am."  
  
Joey paused for a moment. "Look, I'll tell you. But you have to remember that I don't know the full story and you can't tell anyone. Promise me?" Joey said, looking her in the eye. Joey wasn't usually serious, but now he was.  
  
"I promise. Joey, Chandler is one of my best friends. He hasn't been himself lately and I just want to help."  
  
"I know. OK, here's what I know. During college, Chandler kinda had this whole mental break down thing. He uhh started having nightmares and panic attacks, I don't know why. He never told me. Or anyone for that matter. It was like he started to remember things. Anyway, he...he uhh...he tried to kill himself". Joey shut his eyes for a minute before he continued. He knew Monica was crying. "Helena, his mother, she put him in a place. Like a mental health place. He was there for 6 months. I visited him occasionally. He...he just sat there. Doing nothing. Every now again, he'd say something like 'it didn't work. Why didn't it work?'. It was awful. He came out eventually, and was completely normal. It was like the whole thing didn't happen. No more nightmares, no more panic attacks. Just good old Chandler. Something happened to him Monica. I don't know what. But something, something that he keeps blocking out. And occasionally he starts to remember it. And he blocks it out again. Those weren't rope burns Monica. You were right. I'd seen those marks before. I saw those marks in college. He cut himself Monica." Joey started crying for a brief moment. Joey was rarely ever serious. Always cracking jokes and making people laugh, Monica had never seen him like this. Joey quickly got under control. "You know nothing Monica, you got that? I told you nothing." Joey got up and left the apartment. He wished he hadn't told Monica all that. She shouldn't have known. And what if he was wrong about the remembering thing? And the marks. He should have just kept his mouth shut.  
  
But what if Chandler was remembering something? What if this time he really did kill himself? 


	4. Don't wait up

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters in this story are borrowed from the TV show "Friends". I own no characters. No money is being made from this story. Any resemblance of a character in this story to any real person living or dead is purely coincidental. Likewise, any resemblance between an organisation depicted in this story and any such actual organisation is purely coincidental.  
  
Thankyou for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me. Tell me what you think as usual. And if you want another chapter.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"Hey Joey. What's happening?" Chandler said as he walked into the living room. He watched Joey open a can of beer as he sat down to watch Baywatch.  
  
"Nothing. Chandler man, it's the middle of summer what the hell are you doing wearing long sleeves? You're not worried about those rope burns are you?" Joey said looking over at Chandler.  
  
"I'm cold Joe. That's all. Besides, why would I be worried about these? There just rope burns". Chandler said sitting down on the adjacent couch. He put his feet up on the table and started to watch the show.  
  
"When are you going to tell me the truth?"  
  
"The truth about what? I tell you the truth about everything."  
  
"No you don't. Tell me about college. Tell me about why you flinch whenever I touch you. Tell me if they're really rope burns, I know what they really are. Just admit it. And tell me what you keep remembering Chandler. I'm sick of this. I'm worried about you. Just tell me the truth for once!" Joey said, starting to get worked up. He was worried about Chandler.  
  
Chandler stood up. "I'm going out. Don't wait up." He grabbed his keys and left the apartment. Joey just sat there. It was after midnight when Joey went to bed.  
  
When he awoke the next morning, Chandler still wasn't home. He was getting worried. Who knows what he could have done? He wished he could have just controlled his temper. He decided he should call the others. He thought they needed to know, especially since Chandler had been gone over 24 hours. He thought that if all of them could help him, maybe something could change. Maybe they could find him.  
  
He called everyone over and they were all there within the hour. After Ross, the last one to arrive sat down, he started speaking. "How do I say this? Chandler is gone. He left about this time yesterday. He hasn't come back. But Umm....I'm worried."  
  
"That's what you called us over for Joey? Cause Chandler has been gone a day? He probably just got nailed." Ross said, trying to act cool.  
  
"You don't understand. Monica knows this. I told her the other day. Their is more to Chandler then meets the eye. "In college Chandler kinda had this whole mental break down thing. He uhh started having nightmares and panic attacks." He told them exactly what he had told Monica the other day. "And then yesterday, I confronted him. I asked him to tell me the truth about everything. And what he kept dreaming about. He left. He hasn't been back since. He didn't even take his wallet."  
  
Everybody just sat there in disbelief. No one said anything. At that moment the phone rang. Joey rushed to answer it; "Chandler?" He yelled into the phone.  
  
"No, is the Joey Tribbiani? Good. My name is Nurse Reynolds. I am afraid there has been an accident. A Chandler Bing was in an accident last night. I think you should get down to the St. Mary's hospital ASAP." He heard a man say on the other line. Joey hung up.  
  
"Chandlers been in an accident. He's at St. Mary's. We've got to go." He said grabbing his stuff. They all followed him out the door.  
  
WHAT DO YOU THINK? 


	5. Results

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters in this story are borrowed from the TV show "Friends". I own no characters. No money is being made from this story. Any resemblance of a character in this story to any real person living or dead is purely coincidental. Likewise, any resemblance between an organisation depicted in this story and any such actual organisation is purely coincidental.  
  
Thankyou for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me. Tell me what you think as usual. And if you want another chapter.  
  
CHAPTER 5:  
  
"Chandlers been in an accident. He's at St. Mary's. We've got to go." He said grabbing his stuff. They all followed him out the door. They all jumped into Phoebe's cab and quickly made their way to St. Mary's. All of them wondered what had happened, and if it was really an accident.  
  
They all raced into the emergency ward and Joey and Monica raced up to the clerk on reception. "Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani. My friend Chandler Bing came in here a while ago after an accident." Joey said, as Ross, Rachel and Phoebe sat down in the waiting area.  
  
"Oh, yes. Mr. Tribbiani. The doctor will speak to you shortly, actually there he is over there." The woman pointed at an aging man standing in the corner, looking over a chart.  
  
Joey and Monica raced over. "Doctor? We're here about Chandler Bing."  
  
"Hi, my name is Dr. Smith. Mr. Bing? We found his ID in his car that was the only way we knew who to contact. Unfortunately Mr. Bing was in a car accident about 5 hours ago. It was a head on collision with another car. We checked both their blood systems automatically, and we are sorry to say, but your friend had traces of heroin in his blood. It had been their for several hours. The other guy did have traces of alcohol, but not enough to make us believe that he was responsible. I am so sorry. Chandler is out of surgery and is resting now if you would like to see him." He pointed to his room.  
  
Joey and Monica looked at each other and quickly thanked the doctor before racing off to tell the others. They repeated what the doctor had said to them to the others, and listened to their soft 'oh my God' and 'I can't believe it'. After a few minutes they all filed into Chandlers room. They saw Chandler slowly open his eyes and look at all of his friends.  
  
"It didn't work, did it?" Chandler quietly said, looking up at Joey. None of them fully understood what he meant by that except for Joey. He always use to tell Joey, that if he had to die, he would want to die happy, either during sex, or high.  
  
"No man. It didn't." Joey said, standing over his best friend. The others just looked at him, trying to figure out how he knew what he was talking about. 


	6. He raped me

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters in this story are borrowed from the TV show "Friends". I own no characters. No money is being made from this story. Any resemblance of a character in this story to any real person living or dead is purely coincidental. Likewise, any resemblance between an organisation depicted in this story and any such actual organisation is purely coincidental.  
  
Thankyou for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me. Tell me what you think as usual. And if you want another chapter. Oh, and I know Joey seems quite out of character but he fits the role this way so.....yeah. On with the story!  
  
Chapter 6  
  
After two weeks in hospital, Chandler was finally released. Joey and Monica visited him every day and Ross, Phoebe and Rachel every three days. He hated the way they all fawned over him. They treated him like an invalid and everyone was afraid to mention the heroin. The night he returned home, it was just him and Joey. They decided to order in pizza and sat in front of the TV with beer.  
  
"Chandler? Will you answer something for me?"  
  
Chandler remained quiet.  
  
"Chandler, what happened to you? Just tell me. I want to help you."  
  
"You can't. No one can."  
  
"Yes we can chandler. You just have to tell us what happened."  
  
"I can't. Can't you just drop it? Please?" Chandler said, covering his eyes, trying to hide the tears.  
  
"No, I can't. I'm sorry but I love you Chandler, only as a friend you realise, but I want to help you. And we can help you. Just tell me. It'll be OK. I promise." Joey started to put his arms around Chandler.  
  
"DON'T TOUCH ME." He screamed, pulling away from Joey. "Don't ever fucking touch me." At that point Joey knew. He knew what had happened to Chandler, he just needed Chandler to admit it.  
  
"Man, I'm sorry. Chandler...." He was cut off.  
  
At that moment all he could hear was Chandler crying and finally he said it. "He raped me. He fucking raped me."  
  
"Who Chandler? Who?"  
  
After a moments hesitation, Chandler answered. "My dad".  
  
They both remained quiet and just sat there. Neither wanting to disturb the peace. Both were glad that he had finally admitted what really happened to someone. Joey wasn't looking forward to the road ahead. He knew Chandler was going to need help. He knew he would need Monica. 


	7. Anything for Monica

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters in this story are borrowed from the TV show "Friends". I own no characters. No money is being made from this story. Any resemblance of a character in this story to any real person living or dead is purely coincidental. Likewise, any resemblance between an organisation depicted in this story and any such actual organisation is purely coincidental. Why would you sue me anyway? I'm 15...I'm broke.  
  
Thankyou for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me. I added in the last few bits from last chapter so you remember what happened as it was a pretty crucial chapter.  
  
Chapter 7:  
  
At that moment all he could hear was Chandler crying and finally he said it. "He raped me. He fucking raped me."  
  
"Who Chandler? Who?"  
  
After a moments hesitation, Chandler answered. "My dad".  
  
They both remained quiet and just sat there. Neither wanting to disturb the peace. Both were glad that he had finally admitted what really happened to someone. Joey wasn't looking forward to the road ahead. He knew Chandler was going to need help. He knew he would need Monica.  
  
At that moment, Monica walked through the door into Chandler and Joey's apartment and saw Chandler crying in Joey's arms. She immediately knew that Chandler had admitted what was wrong...she could tell by Joey's look. She walked over and sat down next to him. Cautiously she placed her arms on his shoulders. She felt him flinch slightly, but calm down.  
  
"I...I'm sorry". Chandler whispered slowly. "I'm so so sorry. I...I was wrong. I'm bad. I need to forget. I just need to forget." He slowly rocked back and forth, placing his hands on his eyes as if he was trying to block out the sun, only he was trying to block out a memory.  
  
"No, no Chandler. You're not bad. They're is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. Do you hear me? Don't forget Chandler. The only way you're going to get through this is by remembering. OK? Don't block them out". Monica said, rubbing his back. Joey had pulled her aside soon after she first came in the room and told her what happened.  
  
Slowly Chandler went to sleep on the couch with Monica and Joey sitting on either side of him. After they were both sure he was asleep they walked over to the kitchen.  
  
"I'm so glad you came Monica."  
  
"Me too. I can't believe that he finally let it all out. I could kill his father though? I mean, what kind of parent does that? It's sick. I mean, I knew his father was gay but.... I would never have suspected."  
  
"Me neither. What are we going to do?"  
  
"He needs to see someone. I don't know if he will though...but he needs to."  
  
Chandler silently listened as his best friends discussed his future. He would see someone. Anything for Monica. 


	8. AUTHORS NOTE

AUTHORS NOTE: Hey readers. I don't really know what direction to take this story in. I could just finish it so that chapter 7 was the last chapter. I don't know. Can you all give me ideas? PLEASE. I kind of want to wrap up this story so I can start some others. I might come back to it later but if I don't get any good ideas I'll either finish it at Chapter 7 or won't update for ages (like when I think of what direction to take this in). THANKS FOR READING. ESPECIALLY THANKS TO SUICIDEKITTEN AND LACEY Q. 


	9. I love you

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters in this story are borrowed from the TV show "Friends". I own no characters. No money is being made from this story. Any resemblance of a character in this story to any real person living or dead is purely coincidental. Likewise, any resemblance between an organisation depicted in this story and any such actual organisation is purely coincidental. Why would you sue me anyway? I'm 15...I'm broke.  
  
Authors Note: Thankyou for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me. SOrry I haven't updated in AGES. I have had a really bad case of writers block. I haven't updated Life On The Edge either. I want to wrap these two stories up soon so then I can start a new one, one that I can REALLY relate to. Of course it will be depressing but...I think I'll do it in the Lizzie McGuire section (yeah, that's sad isn't it?). Thanks for reading anyway! Oh, and Kelly, I'm taking your idea. This is a Ross and Rachel chapter!  
  
Chapter 8/9  
  
"Ross, I'm really worried about Chandler. You heard what Joey and Monica said! What if he is telling the truth? What if....What if....what if his dad did really hurt him?" Rachel said, her tears rolling down her cheeks onto Ross's shirt. The two lay cuddled on Ross's couch, having just heard the news about what Chandler admitted only an hour ago.  
  
"Rach, he'll be alright. You heard Monica? We're going to get him help! He'll get through this. I know he will. He's strong. And he has a great sense of humour, which will help him through. Believe me Rach. He'll be alright." Ross said, stroking Rachel's hair.  
  
"Thankyou. Thankyou so much Ross." Slowly Rachel sat up in the couch and ran one finger down Ross's face. "Thankyou." Slowly she leant in and kissed him softly on the lips. The first time only lasted a few seconds. But then she leant in again, this time more passionately. The couple's tongues explored each others mouths. Slowly Ross pulled away.  
  
"Rachel..." Ross said, stunned by her sudden change in feelings for him. All these years he'd loved her and she'd liked him just as a friend... How could it change so quickly?  
  
"This whole Chandler issue made me realise how important everybody is to me. It made me realise how I couldn't live without you. How I love you Ross Gellar." Rachel smiled.  
  
"I love you Rachel Greene." Slowly they kissed again. They knew that this was right, and that this time, it was going to last.  
  
Across the road, they didn't realise, but Monica was looking in at them. "How could they Joey? When Chandler is sitting there, wanting to, TRYING TO, kill himself? How could they be so selfish."  
  
Joey came up behind Monica and put his hands on his shoulders. "The same way we have been the last few months." He passionately kissed Monica, they pulled back, leading her towards the bedroom. They both smiled. "Monica, I love you."  
  
"I love you to Joey."  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: BOMBSHELL! I KNOW, IT DOESN'T REALLY FIT, I DID JUST THINK OF IT AT THE END. BUT TOO BAD! PLEASE REVIEW. 


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